Suicide note|| Stranger on the wall

I look at you and expect to feel something. Sadness, happiness, anger… I feel nothing. 

You’re a stranger on the wall. I want to remember, I really do. But I don’t remember much. 

You were everything I long to be. Independent, smart, respected and well loved. The list of your good qualities could fill a whole book. Meanwhile I feel as if I’ve failed you. You will never see my successes, which may be sad. But I’m glad you will never see the failure I’ve become. 

I do miss you, but not so much in a physical sense. I feel nothing when I look at your picture. 

I stare at the stranger on the wall, and I can’t believe how much time has passed. I was a child then, with hopes, dreams and silly ambitions. Now I am an adult who barely cares enough to stay alive. 

At times I wonder what you would think of me if you knew me now. I am nothing like I hoped to be. I am nothing like you were. 

Everybody loved you, justifiably, of course. You were a wonder to this world; a mother, a sister, a grandmother and a friend to anyone who needed you, regardless of blood. 

I am flesh and blood but I will never be like you. 

You are a stranger on the wall. I look into your eyes and I feel nothing. Really, I don’t feel anything at all, but even your blue eyes staring at me spark no emotion. I barely recognise your face. Looking closely, there are so many details I just don’t remember. 

You always had hope; always something clever to say when times were darkest. As I’ve grown I can’t help but realise I probably only saw the light you wanted me to see. I can’t imagine the struggles you went through without ever letting the smile slip off your face. I wonder what clever words you would give me to solve my struggles now. 

I don’t have answers. I am lost. I feel like I have reached the end of the road and if at all, I’m travelling backwards. Hopelessness is setting in and whilst I try to fight it, there’s only so much I have left to give. 

I do have reasons to stay here. I know it would be selfish to go. But it’s getting harder by the hour to feel like I am needed. I feel like a burden. I feel like I should leave it all behind and move on to whatever is further beyond. 

I know there’s nothing after the darkness, yet I’m still hopeful I’ll meet you there. 

The loneliness consumes life. The loneliness takes over and at times the only hope is that what’s beyond will be better. Even nothing at all would be better. 

Time has passed and it made you a stranger.

 One day I hope they will look at the strangers on the wall; my picture next to yours.