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The water dripping from the insomniac moon can't go back.
During this time I can just laugh about how pretty beautiful things are.
It all seems so fake...
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dreamsחמוץ מתוקכוכבית אחתLonely guyBig Mouthמאיר בוזגלו
מימיהשמלה האדומהדניאלKedishORIYALI❥AngelK❥
cosmicBFFEmo Life
FAREWELL
07/06/2019 16:08
Ghost Dog

It's been nearly 2 years since I last wrote here. 2 years since I felt I needed to

I am not who I used to be,
I am no longer dependant on this blog

 

A lot has changed, due to my physical state I no longer work with horses. Luckily for me, a year ago today I was lucky enough to but my own horse. We have been through ups and downs but we are currently out competing and climbing through the levels.

I work a Monday-Friday, 9-5 office job. I do engineering work and translation work. I'm happy.

My life has pieced together and everything is how it should be.                                                                                                          
Somehow, I made it through everything. Things I wrote here and things I didn't.

I met someone I considered to be my best friend for about 3 and a half years here. Unfortunately as time goes and people grow up, we have grown apart.

Life here has changed me. Over the last year in particular I have grown up a lot. I am 19 this month and am coping ok (just about) with this "adulting" stuff.

Early this year I learned an important life lesson. A person stepped into my life that threatened my health, my relationship and my whole state of mind. I had a mild relapse into alcoholism and self-harm which although left some of the fiercest scars yet, I got through and climbed up. I know better now.                                                                                                                                 


This no longer comes naturally. I struggle to find a flow to carry on writing.

This blog was my go to every morning and every evening. It was my escape from cruel reality and I had somewhere to be myself. I never fit in anywhere apart from here. But I do now. I have a happy relationship, my own finances and my own goals. I don't feel the need to come to this place every night to write about my day and cry myself to sleep. I don't need this anymore. I will never delete this blog. I will never erase such a huge part of my life and sanity. But it is very unlikely I will post here again.                                                                                                                                                                           I come back to this place sometimes, to read back on things I wrote. Things I felt. I am glad I got to where I am today. I am proud of myself for getting through it all and finally being happy.    
                                                                                              
 I achieved things I never thought I could. My dream of owning a horse and competing has come true. I worked insanely hard for it and I am so very proud of myself for what I have achieved. To date we have jumped 1.10M and have achieved a 64% in our first dressage (somehow! it was a mess!)
Through it all, I worked hard to better myself and to bring this horse to the level he is at today. I'm happy. 


All in all, this post was a mess. As I said it isn't very natural for me to write here anymore. 
I can't thank you all enough for everything. From arguments, to friendships, to fights and to everything else. The people here helped me so, so much and this site itself saved my life for the last 7 or so years. 

 

Thank you for coming on this journey with me, I hope those of you who are still around as well as those who aren't will get to see this post. I wish you all the best!  

Thank you ever so much and good luck on your own journeys,
the one and only, 
Ghost Dog



6 תגובות
I Never Thought I'd Be Happy
10/07/2017 20:10
Ghost Dog
I never thought I'd be happy. I was sure I'll spend my life wasting away in my own suffering. I never thought I'd find a place, somewhere I fit into, somewhere I feel safe and happy. Like it's my own little heaven. But I found it. And I can't believe this is real. I've graduated college, I decided not to stay for the second year because I hated it there. I made a fantastic new best friend, Jamie, and we spent the last week of college on campus, sharing a little room. It was hilarious, it was fun. But I still wasn't 100% happy. A while ago, when I decided I don't want to stay in college for the second year, I started looking for a place to become an apprentice. Getting paid while getting a qualification? YES PLEASE. I was going to do it at the yard near my house, but I knew I wouldn't be happy there and I'm so glad that didn't work out. But I did find a place, and I gave them a ring and asked about it. She wanted to meet me, so I agreed. We met, and I assume she liked me, because she wanted me to come do a trial ASAP. and I did. And I fell in love with the most amazing horse I've ever met. Indie. I loved the place, it was hard work, yes, but I loved it. A few weeks later I got the email that said they loved me and want me to start there as an apprentice. And on Saturday I did. And I love it so, so much. It is my safe place, where I met new friends, where I rode new horses. I'm in love. And I want to be the lucky girl to own Indie one day. Because from the moment I rode her, the moment I saw her, I knew she must be mine. 3>
7 תגובות
That's What They All Say
30/10/2016 01:37
Ghost Dog

They said she couldn't get better. They told her upfront that it was the end, and there wasn't anything anyone could do. They were giving up and moving on. Although, she hung on; trying every day to win a battle against an opponent much stronger. And with every heartbeat it hurt more. And every breath was getting weaker. She was fighting her fears themselves and no one was there to help her. She was fighting and fighting, and she couldn't stop; for if she did, she would've lost.

With every breath she took her lungs sunk with the heaviness of tears. She was drowning in a sense of betrayal and abandonment. She saw them come and leave the room with more medication, but they never said a word. She was like an animal getting fed, a once loved puppy being thrown out and abandoned as an old dog, weak and sore. No one had the time for her and no one seemed to care. She was alone, and she was scared. 

But nothing can stop this girl. Even through all this, she stayed determined. Determined to win the battle and prove her strength. She took it as it came, and day after day she felt stronger. But no one saw the change. The doctors were corrosive to her cells and she was slowly getting destroyed, inside and out. 

The beast inside her would scream and struggle against its bonds. The physical bonds that sunk so deep into her flesh. So deep that her mind was getting strangled too.

She sought desperately the comfort of others. Her once cold soul was now a sponge observing all the affection she could get. 

But no one was willing to respond to her call. Avoidance of eye contact was their way of telling her they didn't care. And it was slowly sinking in that she had nothing to hold on to.

The medication just barely kept her alive, and her strong opponent was getting stronger as she was heading the opposite way. Although she felt stronger every day, reality was that her body was on the edge. She realized it now but wasn't willing to let go.

She was battling a battle for everyone else - just to prove to them how wrong they were. But were they? There was no longer a sense of comfort in breathing slowly. No longer a sign of strength in her heartbeat, that was now weak and force-less. Her unsteady breathing begun to fade now, to a point where the machines were her only link to life.

It harnessed her in it's cold grasp as she was hanging on to the edge of the cliff, her fingernails digging into the dirt and ripping from her soft flesh. The machines alienated her from reality and she was held in place by a few bloody strips of flesh, stretching the longer she stayed in place. They hurt, She was hurt.

She was burning with a desire to live but her flames were quickly choked by the drugs, overdosing as they slaked. 

It was nearing an end and everyone knew it. And there wasn't anything anyone could do. 

They told her it was the end.

 

"I couldn't prove them wrong" 

She sighed as her eyes locked shut, imprisoning her soul from what's ever left to see. 

Her heart was slowing down and the machines were screaming frantically for someone to come and save her, although to her the noise just sounded like laughter.

The dissonance was painful to listen to, as her heart steadied to a stop. Finally releasing her from all that was bad, allowing her, for once in her life, to finally let go.


1 תגובות
Results Day
25/08/2016 21:48
Ghost Dog

Well, today was the day.
The day I've finally graduated high school! ^-^

Yup, you heard right. I graduated from my school today, and what an eventful day it is!
I couldn't sleep last night, I only got about 2 hours of sleep, and I woke up at 5am, to be greeted by messages from my friends- who also couldn’t sleep!
Well, slowly, the time came.
It was about 8:20 and I started heading towards Alfie's house, as we were going there together. And there we were, in the car with his parents, driving to find out what the rest of my future looks like.

We were some of the first ones there, and my other friend, Adriana, was there waiting for us. We picked up our results and waited; I didn't want to open them without Ethan (The boyfriend). Meanwhile, Alfie opened his results and was headed towards Sixth Form enrolment to choose his subjects. And then, Ethan arrived. And once he did, it was finally time to find out what we got.

We headed to the corner to open our results alone. I took a deep breath and looked at the sheet. It was great!
I had passed everything.
"I got an A in English Literature!" I shout at Adriana. I can't say I felt happy with my results- but I certainly was not disappointed in them.
I only failed one subject, ironically- Hebrew.
It's pretty funny that I managed to fail my own language although I did great in English. 
Well, as I said, I wasn't happy.

Want to know what I got?

Read on!

Information and Creative Tech. (ICT): P2 (equivelant to grade C)

Maths: C
Drama: B
Music: C
Religious Studies (RE): B
Art and Design: C
Computer science: C

English Language: C
English literature:  A
Biblical Hebrew: F
Science A: B
Additional Science: C

 

1A, 3B's, 7C's and 1F!

And with these results…
I'M GOING TO COLLEGE!

Image result for gcse results day

3 תגובות
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